Keeping a Family Split Civil

As a mother of three I am really close to my kids. They are my life and I am sure if you are a reader of this blog you have children too. Well, what you may not know is that my two oldest children are to my ex. 

Ending a relationship when there are kids involved is one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But, when I weighed the pros and cons, it was in their best interest. You see the kids saw us fighting constantly and that's not a good for them to see. I didn't want them growing up seeing that and thinking that it's a normal relationship. I mean of course we all know that all couples fight sometimes and that's OK, normal and even healthy. But, there is a point where the fights are too often, inappropriate and aggressive and it's not healthy for the couple, let alone the children. 

So, when you get the point where enough is enough where do we go from there?
There are those out there that can make it work great without arguments, fights and court battles, honestly though they are not as common as they once were. In my experience I have noticed that it seems to work best if both parents remain single, which isn't quite fair to them. If there becomes a step parent though, it seems to escalate the situation and make the fights more often and makes more issues.Though, I too am married to my husband who is a "step parent", my point is that 2 parents is tough enough. If you do remarry you need to remember who the parents are and make sure that  it stays that way and you too are conversing and making the decisions together. There are times when a step parent will come in and not like that your ex is still involved with your life and will try to change that. But, that's for another time.
 
I am writing this to tell you though because I have been through a lot of unnecessary nonsense with my break up and my children went through a lot of stress and heartache that they didn't deserve. So, if you are going through a break up please try to keep it as civil as absolutely possible. You always need to remember that the only reason your in contact anymore is because of/for the kids and make sure that you keep it that way.

The children are the most important thing. You may have different opinions and can disagree about things but, though it's very hard sometimes, try to remember that you are both their parents and you worked together raising the kids before the break up and can work together now too.

Make sure they know nothing that has happened between the two of you is their fault and remind them often that you both love them very much. Kids often will blame themselves and so you want them to not feel that way and to be happy.


Here's some tips to help make things as easy as possible:

• Try to set up and keep a schedule- I know this can be hard and that things come up, but try to set up a schedule for the kids between the two of you that is fair and works for you. This is easiest if you both live in the same school district and can be very difficult when you live in different areas. You can even have it notarized and even submit it as a court order if this makes you feel more secure.

• Make a meeting spot- Find a place that is convenient for you both to meet and try to keep that as the normal meeting spot to exchange the kids. Try to make it a place that is between your homes so your are traveling about the same and this can prevent an argument about gas or time. I suggest meeting at a gas station on store nearby. One thing this helps is from you going to each others  homes and nit picking and keeps the meeting time short and sweet to prevent a possible fight from happening, also it is in public which puts you both on your best behavior ;).

• Summer vacation- Set up your summer vacation time with the kids, usually it is split up as half the summer with one parent and half with the other. But, if you live close to each other you can even keep your regular schedule going if that works for you. If you both want to take the kids on vacation during the summer, set it up ahead of time and agree on times so as soon as possible to make it part of your schedule for the summer. If you split the summer ask that you make your vacation within your scheduled time. If not, don't be stubborn, you have all summer so try to work with each other on your times and keep to them.

• Keep it about the children- Make sure that when you are talking to your ex you keep the conversation about the child(ren) and not about the break up or who's fault it was. Stick to talking about what is going on with the kid(s), the schedule etc. this way it keeps the conversations civil. 

• Stay Civil- One of the most important things you can do in a split family is to keep it civil and not fight around the children. You don't want to have the kids see or hear you fight, even on the phone the kids can hear you from another room especially if your screaming at each other which does happen, believe me, I've been there. So, if you feel that you are getting upset or the the conversation is getting heated get off the phone or leave so you can calm down and talk about it later.

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